smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
