I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Found the puke drawer
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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