We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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