your parents love me but you hate me
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
