and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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