the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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