Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
