I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
