I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
