genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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