Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
