I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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