Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
