there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
