As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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