a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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