Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
