this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
