in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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