This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
