I haven't been this sober since birth.
my shit smells like andre
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
