This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
