Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
