mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
