worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
