i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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