don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
