Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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