He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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