Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am full of burrito and curiosity
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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