I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
