Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
