remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
