Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
