There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
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Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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