Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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