I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
