Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
