I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
