You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
