He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
