What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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