You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
