Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
