READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
