Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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