Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
