umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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