sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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