VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
worst night to have a conscience
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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