I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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