Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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