They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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