And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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