i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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