She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
a search helicopter?!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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