We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
