when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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