don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
