omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
