I am puke
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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