how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did I show you my penis last night?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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