I am midnight drunk by noon
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
