just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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