Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
