There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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