take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
